If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just had sex bonerless
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
