I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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