I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize