Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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