I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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