i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
two words...techno handjob
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Randomize
