I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
