I didn't shave. On purpose
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
