FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
