I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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