How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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