I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
