She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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