On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
