filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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