Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
