I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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