my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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