my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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