I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
