cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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