Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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