I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
