I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
