non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
