I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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