I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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