Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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