I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
