She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
