Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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