So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
