omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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