3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think my fart just growled at me.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
