Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
