the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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