my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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