My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
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