The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
