She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
