Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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