Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
