The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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