I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
