i just had sex bonerless
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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