She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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