Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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