Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I want you more than these girls want KFC
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
