We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize