Just fell off a train. Bad.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
NoShamevember. You game?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
