saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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