I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
im on a boat
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