a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
