I'm lost and stupid without you.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I lost the right to judge tonight
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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