he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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