we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
