please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Randomize
