Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
